I generally trust America’s Finest News Source for their TTT reporting. (Timely, Topical, Accurate)
However, I recently read an article, ‘Experts Recommend Using Hunger As Egg Substitute’, which had a glaring and obvious piece of misinformation. In this news, they write “It’s also vegan, cost-effective, and much lower in cholesterol compared to a typical egg-based dish.”. Although I will concede that it is significantly more cost-effective (in the short term) than other substitutes, as a Vegan, I CANNOT STAND for this blatant and utter untruth. The body digesting it’s stomach lining in hope of scrounging nutrients that aren’t there simply cannot be construed as being anything other than ‘eating meat’. I will stick to eating eggs, thank you.
I had previously enjoyed articles such as ‘Your Horoscope — Today’s Birthday’, ‘We’re Under New Management, Effective Immediately’, and ‘Heartbreaking: The Worst Person You Know Just Made A Great Point’.
Despite these previously outstanding articles from them, I will NO LONGER be reading their 'news’paper due to this CRITICAL offense.
yes this is OC, yes I did actually send this to them as an email, no I don’t hate vegans
You must log in or register to comment.
Solid joke, HOWEVER…the body doesn’t digest it’s own tissues ever, actually. It will burn sugars first, fats second, then the byproducts of dissolving muscle mass. There’s your non-vegan bits right there.
It will start to erode a hole in the stomach if you have an ulcer, that might count?
That won’t be from starvation, and won’t be “consumed” as a fuel by your metabolic system.
Good question though!
What if you jerk off in your mouth? Zat count?
Hmmm. Good question.
Let me text your mom and sister and see what they think.
💥
YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY WIVES
I disagree. The body will completely digest its own tissue. It will completely digest the entire body given enough time. I read it on the internet, so it must be true. There are no lies on the internet.
Props for trying to onion The Onion…
Are you of the veganism school that holds that consentually obtained animal products (This Usually Means Semen) is vegan? So your body digesting itself could be vegan.
If my mitochondria are seperate symbiotic organisms, are they capable of consent?
I hate to break it too all the vegans out there but every human suggests millions of microbes every day. If they REALLY want to practice what they preach then they’d exterminate their entire gut biome so they wouldn’t suggest any more microorganisms. A course of antibiotics, chemotherapy, and radiation should do the job.
Truly I, a lifeless corpse floating the the vaccuum of space, am the only true vegan.
Poe’s law is really confusing me here. It’s funny if it’s a joke, sad if it’s an actual anti-vegan statement.
Nah, you wanna hit Vegans where it hurts call them out for killing animals solely for their own entertainment:
Almost all forms of electricity generation kill animals in one way or another. Wind Turbines wack birds, Hydro dams kill fish and destroy nearby habitat, any generation involving mining kills subterranean critters, and so on. All this animal death simply so they can enjoy a hot coffee while unnecessarily doomscrolling online.
By their own rules and moral logic it is indefensible yet they will ALL make excuses.
Excuse my ignorance. Could you please explain the joke for the uneducated among us?
The author claims to be vegan, but also says that they will “stick to eating eggs” (which are not a vegan food) because they consider starvation a form of (non-vegan) self-cannibalism, which is absurd.
If an Onion article hurt your feelings: good.
You’ll get no sympathy from me.
Drink it in pal, that’s how Onion tastes.
If you still don't get it:
The call is coming from inside the house!
